


egg laying duck butt infection apocalypse

by itachicoughs (falterth), painintheassnojutsu



Series: hair to the throne: a series of cracky events [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Dragon Riders, Egg Laying, Eggs, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Itachi Coughs, Itachi Coughs Himself to Death, Itachi Stows a Mirror in His Ear Flap for Easy Access, Multi, Starts Off Good and Just Gets Worse, Swearing, Written for Three Hours Straight at Ungodly Hours of the Morning, hn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 09:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14713088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falterth/pseuds/itachicoughs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/painintheassnojutsu/pseuds/painintheassnojutsu
Summary: So he tells his hair to lay an egg. And it starts with Yamanaka Ino.Itachi coughs.





	egg laying duck butt infection apocalypse

Sasuke knows what his hair can do. He knows what the duck butt is capable of. He knows, but he’s never used it.

 

Until now.

 

Until Yamanaka Ino sashays up to his desk, plants her elbows right on the very fucking top of it, and leans in to say good morning.

 

“Good morning, Sasuke-kun,” she giggles. “How was your night?”

 

Sasuke glares at her, but he cannot see a way out of this until his hair reminds him, and then everything clicks into place and Sasuke sets his plan in motion.

 

He will destroy Konohagakure. He is sick of this village, sick of its lies and niceties and its _everything_ and he will tear it apart brick by ugly brick, and it will make him happy.

 

So he tells his hair to lay an egg.

 

And it starts with Yamanaka Ino.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke smirks victoriously the next day when he arrives to the academy. He’s the first one there, of course, so he takes the time to do a celebratory dance. He busts some moves in the middle of the classroom.

 

Iruka-sensei walks in on him in the middle of it. “Sasuke . . . ?” he asks slowly. “What . . . ?”

 

Sasuke’s face darkens. Iruka had seen. Iruka had _seen,_ so now Iruka must be next. He tells his hair to lay an egg, and it does so without question.

 

Good.

 

“Hn,” he replies, carefully climbing down from his desk and sitting back in his seat. Other students trickle into the classroom one by one after that, and Ino is—where is Ino?

 

At long last, she arrives, about half an hour late to class, and Sasuke’s victorious smirk, which has not in fact left his face, grows even wider. It is _beginning._

 

Ino walks in, and her hair is—

 

Wait.

 

What hair?

 

Ino is bald. She must have _shaved her head._

 

Sasuke stands up suddenly and slams a fist down onto the desk, cracking it clean in two. “Hn,” he screams frustratedly. Nothing ever goes to plan!

 

He shoves past Ino, which sends her through a wall, and directs his hair to lay an egg on Naruto’s head. He knows that his hair isn’t used to such demands, but it will grow stronger over time.

 

Sasuke quits the academy.

 

And then he registers himself into it again because he needs to have access to his classmates on a daily basis, and also the academy is connected to the Hokage tower and is perfect for infiltration.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke enters the academy at six A.M. the next morning.

 

He must prepare. This will be a long day, after all.

 

The door is locked, so he sits on the fucking steps outside the classroom. He makes his hair lay an egg on everyone he sees. He feels tired so he goes to the teachers’ lounge and takes a cup of coffee. He commands his hair to lay an egg on anyone who says anything or stares, or even dares to exist near him. _Take that, shitfaces._

 

He then goes the hell back to class—

 

The door is still locked, so he breaks the lock open and dances. Outside the classroom. His dance is beautiful and it tells a tale of egg-laying, of an incubation time of one day, of finally taking over the world with his eggs.

 

A dog walks in.

 

Sasuke stops and stares, forcing his hair to lay an egg on the white dog who belongs to Kiba, who walks in after and is similarly infected.

 

“What the fuck are you doing, dude? Not tubular! That’s like, _so_ outside the realm of gnarly, chyeahhhh,” Kiba says with a cool expression on his face.

 

How fucking _radical_ , Sasuke thinks. And he asks his hair to lay another egg on Kiba to ducking put on his sister.

 

Who Sasuke doesn't actually know about.

 

It's just a guess.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke watches with a smirk as Iruka and Naruto’s hair morphs.

 

Everyone else wat’ches with a mix of abject horror and fascination.

 

Sasuke stands up and walks out the fucking window—but not before forcing his hair to lay eggs on every person in the academy. He resigns yet again.

 

This time, he doesn't re-apply.

 

He eventually walks past a hospital, and he sees a duck-butt-haired woman walk out with a duck-butt-haired set of triplets.

 

He remembers planting an egg on her . . .

 

He doesn't get much further before a chūnin _fuckin’_ materializes in front of him, shoving a scroll directly into his beautiful duckbutt hair.

 

Sasuke scowl, telling his hair to lay six whole eggs on him so he can infect five other goddamn chūnin.

 

“Yo, head to the Hokage guy’s place. Now.”

 

Sasuke “hn”s as loud as physically possible. The chūnin’s ears bleed and the ground cracks open. A Duck Butt dragon flies up through the chasm and lands beside Sasuke.

 

Sasuke mounts the dragon and they fly to the Hokage tower.

 

The dragon flies into the window, breaking a part of the building.

 

“Sasuke-kun,” the HoGaKe says, disappointedly. His hands are folded and he looks like Dumbledore. Sasuke doesn't know who Dumbledore is, so in his ignorant anger he makes his hair lay an egg on the Hokage. “Why did you resign from the academy? You are The Last Uchiha™. Who are you—er, who do you think you are?!”

 

Sasuke scoffs. “ _Hn._ ”

 

Hiruzen crinkles his nose in disgust. “ _Boo,_ _you_ _whore_.”

 

Sasuke looks away dramatically, performing another “hn” to call forth a second dragon.

 

. . . what? It's not like he can _reuse_ them! That's disgusting.

 

[ — ]

 

Despite having resigned from the academy, Sasuke is given a fucking hitai-ate and a genin team.

 

Naruhoe look very . . . attracted, with the duck-butt hair, Sasuke realizes . . .

 

Nonsense. He doesn't have _time_ for romance.

 

But—well, that doesn't mean he can't look.

 

Sasuke decides to . . . spare the man.

 

At least, he was _going to_ , until the man fucking doesn't train them for shit, and sends them on a D-rank without even introducing himself.

 

The man is very paranoid, so it’s hard to find the perfect opportunity for his hair to lay the egg.

 

The moment he is most paranoid, the moment he is . . . reading that strange orange book of his.

 

His hair lays an egg on the book, for good measure.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke bides his time over the next month. His hair lays about ten eggs per day—not enough to warrant any sort of suspicion, of course. If he was found out, he’s sure he’d be labeled as an S-rank threat with a flee on sight warning.

 

Flee, Sasuke thinks madly. Flee, or the duck butt will plant an egg on you too. Sasuke cackles. Run and cling to your wretched lives.

 

One day, Naruto asks for a C-rank outside the village. Sasuke thinks that this is the perfect opportunity to spread his influence.

 

Before they leave, Sasuke does a quick lap around the Konoha wall and his hair lays an egg on every chūnin stationed to guard Konoha’s borders. He lays a few hundred on Kotetsu and Izumo. He doesn’t know who Kotetsu and Izumo are, but that is just fine. Sasuke steeples his fingers and laughs, turning around in his office chair.

 

They will _fester._

 

So his team plus the pink DuckButt girl leaves for the Land of Waves, and then they have to turn back around to pick up Tazuna, and Sasuke, with a white-hot anger burning in his chest, lays the biggest and angriest of duck-butt eggs right onto Tazuna’s stupid lying head.

 

[ — ]

 

They meet two chūnin from Kiri on their way there. Sasuke overwhelms them with a wave of eggs.

 

The man squints at him suspiciously. The man’s duck butt has reached astronomical heights; Sasuke lost track of it when it entered the stratosphere. Sasuke is rather proud.

 

“Hn,” he says impatiently, and summons another Duck butt dragon into existence. It roars mightily and Tazuna, who has grown a scrawny, pathetic excuse for a duck-butt on his head, screams in terror.

 

“Hn,” Sasuke growls lovingly at the dragon.

 

“YEAH LET’S GO ON THE DRAGON! FUCK YEAH I LOVE MY DUCK BUTT SO MUCH!” Naruto shouts.

 

“Hn,” Sasuke whispers, blushing. He has no _time_ for this!

 

DuckButt Pink Girl stomps over to them. “Shannaro!”

 

Sasuke doesn’t know who that is, so he names DuckPink ButtGirl Sakura.

 

“Shannaro!” she says agreeably.

 

“Hn,” Sasuke replies.

 

They leave the dragon behind and continue on their way. They run into Momochi Zabuza, but Sasuke’s hair places a well-timed egg onto Zabuza’s hair, and an extra for a special someone. He lays an egg on Kubikiribōchō, too.

 

When the Kiri hunter-nin comes to collect Zabuza’s body, Sasuke unleashes his vengeance upon Haku. Who is Haku?

 

He unleashes his vengeance, anyway, and a massive tsunami of eggs engulfs Haku.

 

Sasuke cackles and it scares everyone. Everyone in the elemental nations pauses in whatever they’re doing. A pang of mortal terror runs through them. Sasuke stops cackling and everything is quiet and peaceful once again.

 

Haku sobs. “Stop, my perfectly hair!”

 

Sasuke nods at both of them, and they flee back to Gato’s mansion so that they can spread the extra eggs.

 

Sasuke turns to Boruto’s dad. Who. “Hn,” he roars.

 

“FUCK YEAH!! DUCK BUTTS FOR LIFE!! SO COOL SASUKE, I LOVE DUCK BUTTS SO MUCH OH MY GOD!!!” Naruto jumps two hundred feet into the air. Sasuke doesn’t see him come back down until an hour later when they’ve already reached Wave.

 

Sakura shouts “Shannaro!” and throws Lakashi through a wall. There aren’t any walls, but that’s okay because Sasuke uses his hair to make one out of eggs so that the man can be projected through it.

 

“FUCK YEAH!!” Naruto shouts.

 

They reach Tazuna’s house. Tazuna is gone. Sasuke goes inside and begins to plot out his world domination.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke decides, with a hint of petulance, that _the man_ can gonfuck homsaelf.

 

Treewalking can go fuck itself too, because Sasuke summons a **_HN_ ** to destroy all the trees in Wave.

 

The man pulls his duck butt back down from the stratosphere and goes home to Konoha to read his porn. Nasty, and very much not tubular.

 

“Hn,” Sasuke says with a nod.

 

Naruto starts running around and calmly stating, “FUCK YEAH!!! ALL THE DUCK BUTTS!!!”

 

Sasuke nods again, planting several duckbutt eggs on Naruto.

 

Naruto cheers.

 

[ — ]

 

NaruOt suddenly goes off into the woods and Sasuke has little choice but to follow.

 

However, before he leaves—

 

“Hn,” he warns Sakura.

 

“Shannaro!” she shouts back encouragingly. “Shannaro!”

 

So he follows Uzumaki “FUCK YEAH!!! DUCK BUTTS!!!” Naruto into the forest where they meet someone with very long hair.

 

Hair that Sasuke . . . !

 

Recognizes!

 

“Hn,” he accuses. Haku stares back at him fearfully.

 

“Don’t hurt me! I just wanted to inform you wow that Gato has a duckButt and has pledged his eternal allegiance to your cause!”

 

“Hn,” Sasuke condemns. Gato doesn’t deserve to live.

 

He forces his third eye open and scrys to watch Zabuza talking to Gato and his men. Everyone, including Kibikiribōchō, has a Duck butt hair. Sasuke grins evilly.

 

Malice lines the air.

 

“Hn,” he says, pleased. Zabuza will kill Gato.

 

He drags Boruto’s dad’s dad’s son’s dad’s wife’s son's grandfather's son's wife's friend's husband's duck-butt-egg-laying son's dad's wife's friend's grandmother's granddaughter's son out of the flattened forest and back to where Sakura is waiting for them. “Shannaro!” she greets.

 

“Hn,” Sasuke argues.

 

Sakura smiles brightly at him.

 

“FUCK YEAH!! LET’S GO BACK TO WAVE SO THEY CAN ALL GET DUCK BUTT EGGS TOO!!!! OH MAN I LOVE DUCK BUTTS SO MUCH MAYBE I COULD LAY ONE SOMEDAY,” Naruto enthused.

 

Sasuke commands his hair to give Naruto a few extra duckbutt eggs as a reward for his loyalty.

 

“Shannaro!” Sakura complains.

 

Sasuke gives her a dozen duckbutt eggs in apology.

 

They head back to Wave, which Sasuke takes over and renames the Land of Eggs, and then Sasuke’s hair sends out an army of duckbutt eggs to swarm the small, unsuspecting village.

 

When they go back to the center of the village, Sasuke feels a deep and powerful energy thrumming beneath the ground. His hair sends out more duckButt eggs and the force of the duckbutts revives Inari’s father figure.

 

Sasuke tips his hat. m’Holy Moly!

 

Inari comes running up to the revived dead guy, but Sasuke blocks him off with a wave of eggs. His hair lays some in Tsunami’s hair too.

 

Their work is done here. The Land of Eggs has been taken over.

 

“FUCK YEAH!! I LOVE DUCKBUTTS AND ALSO SASUKE SAYS THAT IF ANY OF YOU STEP OUT OF LINE FOR EVEN A SECOND HE’LL CREATE A GUILLOTINE OUT OF DUCK BUTT EGGS AND BEHEAD YOU SO YEAH JUST WARNING YOU ALL!!! FUCK YEAH DUCK BUTTS!!” Naruto says sadly.

 

“Hn,” Sasuke comforts him.

 

“Shannaro!” Sakura shouts, hugging Naruto.

 

Naruto smiles, and the three of them head home.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke lays Egg Butt Duck eggs all over Tsunade and Jiraiya and then they die so that they can’t interfere with Sasuke’s master plan.

 

[ — ]

 

The man sends the three fuckers off to do chūnin smaxE.

 

Sasuke **_hn_ ** s and dragons to RedHairGuyShouldGetSomeSleep and kankuHoe and ❤️❤️❤️temari❤❤❤ to lay eggs on them.

 

They don't notice, too busy staring at the duck-butt hair of every human and animal in Konoha.

 

There's this one man with a duckbutt moustache . . .

 

Not important. Sasuke lays eggs—or, his _hair_ lays them. Right?—on all the foreigners.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke lays dutt bucks on everyone. In the ninūhC smaxE.

 

He meets a dude named uramihcorO and lays LOTS of duck egg butt **H** airs on him and he gETS SO ScARED AND he SURRENDERS ERUKAGOTO TO SASUKE!!!

 

“FUCK YEAH!! DUCKNUTTS! EGGS!”u

 

"¡¡¡orannahS!!!”

 

Otubak steps in. “Don’t give up yet, kids. Maybe I can help you out . . . with my ninja info cards.”

 

Okna CRASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW SHE HAS DUCK BUTTS ON HER FEET . . .

 

“¡¡¡otubaK!!!” she screams. “YOU STOLE MY SENSEI, WHOSE NAME IS uramihcorO! FUCK Y!”

 

Otubak adjusts his glasses smoothly. They glint off of the light. “Maybe I can help you out . . . with my ninja info cards.”

 

“What?” Okna asks.

 

“My . . . ninja info cards.”

 

“Hn,” Sasuke shrieks. He has had ENOUGH! He makes his hair produce millions of ttuB kcuD eggs to wash away all of the Suna and Oto nin from the stadium, rage burning in his eyes.

 

  * He succeeds the Kazekage position and the ettalotO position



 

Then he brings back uramihcorO back to ahonoK so that they can kill Hiruzen who looks like Dumbledore who Sasuke doesn’t know.

 

Sasuke becomes Hokage, and he kills off Danzō with his duck butt Eggs™.

 

How . . . _egregious._

 

[ — ]

 

Itachi wakes up with a start, sitting bolt upright in his bed. He grabs a mirror to look at himself. He always keeps a mirror in his ear flap for easy access.

 

Itachi coughs.

 

He doesn’t have duck butt hair yet. But he has heard about his foolish little brother’s hostile takeover of the world utilizing the eggs of a duck butt.

 

“You have finally become strong enough to defeat me,” Itachi says quietly into the room.

 

Itachi coughs.

 

Kisame chooses that exact moment to barge in. “Itachi-senpai! Look at me! I look ducking awesome!”

 

Kisame has a duck butt.

 

Itachi clenches his fist and stows his mirror back in his ear flap. “Don’t remind me of my failures . . . ”

 

Itachi coughs.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke has _had enough_.

 

He gives up.

 

(Itachi coughs, somewhere in the distance.)

 

He finally, FINALLY, decides to do it.

 

. . . he abduckts Naruto and Sakura so that they can lay duck butt™ eggs along with him.

 

(Itachi coughs, somewhere in the distance.)

 

[ — ]

 

Sasugay takes over all the whole world entire and big lots with arukaS and Naruhoe™. Hokage, Kazekage, egakotO, Itachikage, Tsuchikage, egakihcorOrochikage, Kazekage again, earflapkage, and Mizukage. and egakttubkcuD!

 

(Itachi coughs.)

 

And Narukage. SHANNARO!

 

(Itachi coughs.)

 

. . . and shannarokage, of course.

 

[ —(Itachi coughs.) ]

 

Sasuke and Naruhoe and Sakura get marrrrrrrrrieedddddd

 

Itachi coughs.

 

Sasuke brings Naruto and Sakura into the Duck Butt Egg sage summons realm and teaches them how to lay eggs with their hair too. Naruto is better st laying lots of eggs than Sakura is but Sakura is egg DEADLIER OHOHITACHI COUGHS. OHOHOHOGO so then Sasuke teaches them how to be duck butt egg sages and to gather Duck butt Egg chakra, they have to be calm but most importantly, Itachi coughs. they need to have at least one hundred million duck butt eggs on them at all times so that they asn replenish themselves if they ever get exhausted

 

Itachi coughs.

 

Sakura and Naruhoe are so honored to have this privilege that they go out and fly all over the Place and plant duck butt eggs on every single thing in existence and across all the universe too and all time so that everything was is and will always be Duck Butt be eggs.

 

Sasuke is so grateful that he blushes and says “hn” and summons a huuuuuuuge duck butt egg drAgoN.

 

Itachi coughs:

 

[ — ]

 

hH neutralizes all of the Akatatatatatsuki in one fell swoop. Nagato stands no chance, and easily gives up his Paths, which Sasuke renames to the Six Butts of Duck.

 

(Itachi coughs.)

 

Kaguya comes back to earth™ and upon seeing how immensely i hate life powerful Sadsuke is, help she surrenders immediately and goes back to her dimension. But Sasuke blesses her with the power of some of his very own (Itachi coughs.) duck Butt eggs.

 

[ — ]

 

Sasuke gets the R(Itachi coughs.)innegan.

 

[ –(Itachi coughs)– ]

 

Sasuke finally meets Itachi for their fated fight. Itachi coughs. He turns his duck butts onto Itachi and watches as they try to overrun him. Itachi coughs.

 

otubaK interrupts for a moment. Itachi coughs. “Don’t give up yet! Itachi coughs. Maybe I can help you two out with my . . . ninja Itachi coughs cards.”

 

Itachi coughs.

 

Sasuke orders Kissme’s duck butt hair to obey him and lay eggs on Itachi, which weakens his brother considerably. Itachi coUghs.

 

Itachi coughs.

 

Itachi feels the duck butt hair growing on his head and pulls out his mirror from his ear flap to look at his new hair and starts crying and laughing and coughing. Itachi coughs.

 

“Hahahahahaha foolish little brother!” Itachi coughs. Itachi coughs. Itachi coughs. “This is what I cough wanted all along!”

 

Sasuke trembles with fury. A itachi coughing…….

 

Itachi coughs.

 

Then Itachi doesn’t stop laughing and laughing and (Itachi coughs.) laughing and laughing and before Sasuke can command his hair to make the FINAL KIL(Itachi coughs.)LING BLOW Itachi coughs. And died from laughing so hard RIP Itachi I will be holding a Funeral event on Facebook so please subscribe and like if you want to s(Itachi coughs.) SHUT UP ITACHI! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!ee more content! and I will be updating My Wattpad regularly

 

“Hn,” Sasuke says.

 

Itachi coughs. Itachi coughs.

 

Hn.

 

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> itachi coughs
> 
> (we're living it up in [gama-chan party](https://discord.gg/g25p3S3), discord server run by yours truly.)


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